I thought all day about what to write about tonight, but I just don't have the energy to pull off a full story.
About an hour ago I took my meds, and I added Ambien to the mix (which I rarely take), and cold meds because I've been feeling crappy with this bronchitis so all I want to do is go to bed.
I thought about telling the tale of my divorce, or a bit more about my mom, but those will have to wait for another day.
So for now I will just leave you with what a friend calls my new theme song.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Oh hello hypomania
Well I just took my handful of nightly meds (and I do mean HANDFUL) so we will see how long it takes for them to kick in and I pass out. One advantage (or disadvantage) is that my meds make me tired so I can control my bedtime. It's almost 8 pm and I've been battling bronchitis so I want to go to bed early. Oh who am I kidding. I always go to bed early.
So here's a recap of my day. Work started out uneventful. I am on a deadline to finish up the remainder of my bank recs and 2 of them are eluding me. I worked on them non stop all afternoon and ALMOST finished them. I feel bad that they aren't finished. I am on my toes at work these days as I got myself into a bit of trouble for not focusing and being online too much so I am always afraid that they are going to think I don't know what I am doing. But my supervisor is awesome and I have a tendency to be overly anxious about any and everything anyone is thinking about me.
I saw Chuck (my therapist) today and had a good chat. My mother has not been doing so well lately which promts my dad and I to start thinking morbid thoughts, so we're working out a plan for me to be the executor of the estate if anything happens to him as she is clearly not capable of it. We discussed that and also the fact that I need a living will and a healthcare directive (for my own peace of mind) so that if I am ever incapable of making decisions for myself that I have my plans clearly outlined. I am authorizing my treating team of psychiatrist and psychotherapist to determine whether or not I am capable of making said decisions and putting the plan in to place. I need to figure out how to make this all legal, though, which is something I will be working on in the future. A healthcare directive is a good thing for someone like me because I can say "no electric shock therapy" and such, and I can also authorize which medications I am to be forced to take.
I had to see my ex-husband tonight. I really felt nothing, which is a great accomplishment. Six months ago I was a weeping, blubbering mess and it makes me feel SO good to NOT be. I found a bunch of family pictures of his in the attic and he needed to come pick them up. He was thankful that I kept them (bastard I should have burned them, not like he kept his wedding vows by walking out on our marriage, but that's another entry).
Well I went on Effexor about 2 months ago. Effexor is an anti-depressant and bipolars need to be careful of anti-depressants because they can make us manic.
Well.....I think I am hypomanic.
In the past month I have purchased the following things: A bed frame from Ikea, a dress for the work holiday party (which came today and I am thinking I should have ordered a size smaller- YAY- I might have time to order the right size and then return it before the party), 4 things that were on sale from Newport News (currently on the way) and a shirt from J. Jill (currently on the way).
But LOOK at how CUTE all this stuff is!!
I got this bedframe:
And this dress for the Holiday party (in the red shown):
And this crocheted cardigan. I am adding pics of it in an outfit and alone so you can see the detail. I got it in white. I am soooooo tempted to order more colors. It was super cheap, 15.00! Regularly 49.00 and I found a coupon code and free shipping!
This dress (in the green shown):
This skirt (in the brown shown):
This sweater (in the gold shown):
And last, but not least, this tunic. I have one in pink already and I fucking LOVE it.
Soooooooooooo...................yeah..................too.much.shopping.
Granted I did not pay full price for anything, and use coupon codes etc, but shopping and I are a slippery slope.
But isn't it all just adorable?
(((yawn)))
I can feel the meds kicking in now. Might be time for me to sign off for the night.
So here's a recap of my day. Work started out uneventful. I am on a deadline to finish up the remainder of my bank recs and 2 of them are eluding me. I worked on them non stop all afternoon and ALMOST finished them. I feel bad that they aren't finished. I am on my toes at work these days as I got myself into a bit of trouble for not focusing and being online too much so I am always afraid that they are going to think I don't know what I am doing. But my supervisor is awesome and I have a tendency to be overly anxious about any and everything anyone is thinking about me.
I saw Chuck (my therapist) today and had a good chat. My mother has not been doing so well lately which promts my dad and I to start thinking morbid thoughts, so we're working out a plan for me to be the executor of the estate if anything happens to him as she is clearly not capable of it. We discussed that and also the fact that I need a living will and a healthcare directive (for my own peace of mind) so that if I am ever incapable of making decisions for myself that I have my plans clearly outlined. I am authorizing my treating team of psychiatrist and psychotherapist to determine whether or not I am capable of making said decisions and putting the plan in to place. I need to figure out how to make this all legal, though, which is something I will be working on in the future. A healthcare directive is a good thing for someone like me because I can say "no electric shock therapy" and such, and I can also authorize which medications I am to be forced to take.
I had to see my ex-husband tonight. I really felt nothing, which is a great accomplishment. Six months ago I was a weeping, blubbering mess and it makes me feel SO good to NOT be. I found a bunch of family pictures of his in the attic and he needed to come pick them up. He was thankful that I kept them (bastard I should have burned them, not like he kept his wedding vows by walking out on our marriage, but that's another entry).
Well I went on Effexor about 2 months ago. Effexor is an anti-depressant and bipolars need to be careful of anti-depressants because they can make us manic.
Well.....I think I am hypomanic.
In the past month I have purchased the following things: A bed frame from Ikea, a dress for the work holiday party (which came today and I am thinking I should have ordered a size smaller- YAY- I might have time to order the right size and then return it before the party), 4 things that were on sale from Newport News (currently on the way) and a shirt from J. Jill (currently on the way).
But LOOK at how CUTE all this stuff is!!
I got this bedframe:
And this dress for the Holiday party (in the red shown):
And this crocheted cardigan. I am adding pics of it in an outfit and alone so you can see the detail. I got it in white. I am soooooo tempted to order more colors. It was super cheap, 15.00! Regularly 49.00 and I found a coupon code and free shipping!
This dress (in the green shown):
This skirt (in the brown shown):
This sweater (in the gold shown):
And last, but not least, this tunic. I have one in pink already and I fucking LOVE it.
Soooooooooooo...................yeah..................too.much.shopping.
Granted I did not pay full price for anything, and use coupon codes etc, but shopping and I are a slippery slope.
But isn't it all just adorable?
(((yawn)))
I can feel the meds kicking in now. Might be time for me to sign off for the night.
Bipolar Mood Spectrum
I've added this nifty little graph for those of you unfamiliar with bipolar. This is the range of emotions that I may suffer from on any given day. Although they mostly go in cycles and I will be depressed for a month, fine for a month and then manic for a month (just an example).
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Disclaimer:
I'm not really a bitch. Well most of the time. I have my moments. One thing I do know is that bipolar IS a fucking bitch and it's one that I will be dealing with for the rest of my life so I figured I may as well document my journey.
Let us just start with the basics. I've known I was bipolar for quite some time now, but did not receive my official diagnosis until December 2007.
I'm on a plethora of medications: xanax, Tegretol (carbamazapine), Effexor, Neurontin, Seroquel, and Ambien. Oh and I am on Simvistatin to counteract the high cholesterol from the Seroquel.
At the current moment I am feeling pretty good, almost too good to the point where I am wondering if I am becoming hypomanic. For those of you that don't know hypomania is kind of like baby mania. It feels fantastic, but is NOT normal and can have some serious repurcussions. Like in my case I usually spend too much money and I can already see myself shopping more and more (who can resist holiday sales?). And I just sold my engagement ring from my failed marriage so I may as well get some good shit out of that deal, right?
Let us just start with the basics. I've known I was bipolar for quite some time now, but did not receive my official diagnosis until December 2007.
I'm on a plethora of medications: xanax, Tegretol (carbamazapine), Effexor, Neurontin, Seroquel, and Ambien. Oh and I am on Simvistatin to counteract the high cholesterol from the Seroquel.
At the current moment I am feeling pretty good, almost too good to the point where I am wondering if I am becoming hypomanic. For those of you that don't know hypomania is kind of like baby mania. It feels fantastic, but is NOT normal and can have some serious repurcussions. Like in my case I usually spend too much money and I can already see myself shopping more and more (who can resist holiday sales?). And I just sold my engagement ring from my failed marriage so I may as well get some good shit out of that deal, right?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
