Kittehs!!

I would just like to take a moment to pay tribute to those little balls of fur that have kept me sane this year (and continue to keep me sane)

This Is Stewie:
This is Gizmo:

And this is Cleo:

Impressions

As I was sitting at my desk at work this morning I came across an email that I wrote before I changed my name back to my maiden name.
The name seemed foreign to me.
I had a weird feeling come over me as I recalled a dinner I had the very week that J told me he wanted a divorce. My friend, A, took me out to dinner and we had a conversation in which I could barely imagine myself using my maiden name. And here I am, six months later, comfortable in my old skin again. It’s not quite my old skin; many things are different, including the addition of a second middle name, Audrey. Nonetheless it’s still me.

And then I had the realization that the memory of my marriage was fading, and fading fast. Not much is left except the impression of a relationship that has shaped me into part of who I am today. I can’t quite recall the feeling of coming home to J at night, making love to him, or even having a conversation with him. It’s been a good several months since we’ve really spoken. He ran as fast as I can imagine and never seemed to look back.
It makes sense that all that would be left is an impression, an imprint, and a scab.
The feeling of having your heart ripped out is always something that will be with you, but if you could recall the immense pain and summon up those feelings just on a whim you would never open your heart up again. A woman would never have more than one child if she could so easily recall the pain of childbirth.
After that very same dinner A and I had a conversation in which we discussed loss. I was holding on to the old adage that time heals all wounds (and to an extent it does), but I wasn’t quite ready to hear what she had to say. She knows a thing or two on the subject and told me that my heart would heal but it would never fully be gone. It would scab over and stop gushing blood, but the wound would still be there. I guess she was right. Here I am left with a scab, an impression, a memory.

More of The Past

The Past

Merry Christmas!

My Christmas tree this year. I feel so old. It's the first I've ever had!

Red Bull Gives You Wiiiiiings!!!

Too much Red Bull, on the other hand, makes you want to take those new found wings and jump off a cliff.

So yesterday I was tired. And I made the stupid mistake of drinking THREE sugar free Red Bulls in the matter of a half an hour.

That was pure stupidity on my part as I was in full panic attack mode within the next hour.
I *ahem* sort of made up an excuse to leave work and literally had to drug myself to incoherency to bring myself down. I felt like I had been on an all night coke binge.

Anxiety disorders and uppers do not mix in the slightest bit. I try to steer clear of almost all caffeine, except that in my diet coke, so for me to have that much in one sitting was beyond absurd.

Note to self: NEVER AGAIN.

I'm feeling better today, but I do still have some residual anxiety, but nothing to the point where I am crawling out of my own skin.
But sadly, I did lose an entire evening last night because of it (I was sleeping from all the anti-anxiety meds I took).

I'm also very excited because I have my very first Christmas Tree up! I will be buying a camera soon and will have pics within a few days!!

Tata for now, I have to get to work early tomorrow to make up for my stupidity yesterday.

I can be really retarded sometimes

Good Lord.

First off I was driving around half the day uninsured. Because I just completely spaced on paying my insurance bill. It's not that I don't have the money. I do. I just forgot. And it's been snowing all day so if I had gotten into an accident I would have been so fucked. But I am home safe and secure so that was averted.

And here is what really takes the cake for the weekend: I have these really thick callouses on my feet (sexay, huh?). My work Holiday Party is this Friday and I have intended to get a pedicure beforehand but I decided that the callouses were bothering me. So I took to trying to shave them off. With a razor blade. Needless to say my foot has not finally stopped bleeding after an hour now.

I swear sometimes I really wonder about myself.

I think it's the meds. They make me quite a bit more forgetful and ditzy than I ever used to be. It's kind of terrifying, really. Not quite as terrifying as the harrowing two weeks that I spent on depakote in which I almost crashed my car, got wasted at my former inlaws on Christmas and fucked up at a part time job so badly that I shortly quit after that because they were fucktards and couldn't understand the situation. Honestly I barely recall the time I was on that drug.

But it's still a bit disconcerting to have my mind not be quite as sharp as it used to be. I used to be a total whiz, My memory was so sharp I never forgot anything. It's still pretty sharp, but not what it once was. I wonder....age or meds?

I don't have too many other bipolars that I feel comfortable talking to about this subject so I would be curious to know if other people have the same reactions to the meds?

Or is it just me?

This amuses me

Sorry to any readers I may have!

I know I've been neglecting the blog lately. I had a good Thanksgiving post going on, which I should have written prior to going to my family dinner because I came back from that just feeling cynical and crabby.

I do have a good post that I am working on, but it won't be finished until tomorrow.

Catch you then!

D

Randomness

I thought all day about what to write about tonight, but I just don't have the energy to pull off a full story.

About an hour ago I took my meds, and I added Ambien to the mix (which I rarely take), and cold meds because I've been feeling crappy with this bronchitis so all I want to do is go to bed.

I thought about telling the tale of my divorce, or a bit more about my mom, but those will have to wait for another day.

So for now I will just leave you with what a friend calls my new theme song.

Oh hello hypomania

Well I just took my handful of nightly meds (and I do mean HANDFUL) so we will see how long it takes for them to kick in and I pass out. One advantage (or disadvantage) is that my meds make me tired so I can control my bedtime. It's almost 8 pm and I've been battling bronchitis so I want to go to bed early. Oh who am I kidding. I always go to bed early.

So here's a recap of my day. Work started out uneventful. I am on a deadline to finish up the remainder of my bank recs and 2 of them are eluding me. I worked on them non stop all afternoon and ALMOST finished them. I feel bad that they aren't finished. I am on my toes at work these days as I got myself into a bit of trouble for not focusing and being online too much so I am always afraid that they are going to think I don't know what I am doing. But my supervisor is awesome and I have a tendency to be overly anxious about any and everything anyone is thinking about me.

I saw Chuck (my therapist) today and had a good chat. My mother has not been doing so well lately which promts my dad and I to start thinking morbid thoughts, so we're working out a plan for me to be the executor of the estate if anything happens to him as she is clearly not capable of it. We discussed that and also the fact that I need a living will and a healthcare directive (for my own peace of mind) so that if I am ever incapable of making decisions for myself that I have my plans clearly outlined. I am authorizing my treating team of psychiatrist and psychotherapist to determine whether or not I am capable of making said decisions and putting the plan in to place. I need to figure out how to make this all legal, though, which is something I will be working on in the future. A healthcare directive is a good thing for someone like me because I can say "no electric shock therapy" and such, and I can also authorize which medications I am to be forced to take.

I had to see my ex-husband tonight. I really felt nothing, which is a great accomplishment. Six months ago I was a weeping, blubbering mess and it makes me feel SO good to NOT be. I found a bunch of family pictures of his in the attic and he needed to come pick them up. He was thankful that I kept them (bastard I should have burned them, not like he kept his wedding vows by walking out on our marriage, but that's another entry).

Well I went on Effexor about 2 months ago. Effexor is an anti-depressant and bipolars need to be careful of anti-depressants because they can make us manic.

Well.....I think I am hypomanic.

In the past month I have purchased the following things: A bed frame from Ikea, a dress for the work holiday party (which came today and I am thinking I should have ordered a size smaller- YAY- I might have time to order the right size and then return it before the party), 4 things that were on sale from Newport News (currently on the way) and a shirt from J. Jill (currently on the way).

But LOOK at how CUTE all this stuff is!!

I got this bedframe:


And this dress for the Holiday party (in the red shown):


And this crocheted cardigan. I am adding pics of it in an outfit and alone so you can see the detail. I got it in white. I am soooooo tempted to order more colors. It was super cheap, 15.00! Regularly 49.00 and I found a coupon code and free shipping!



This dress (in the green shown):


This skirt (in the brown shown):


This sweater (in the gold shown):


And last, but not least, this tunic. I have one in pink already and I fucking LOVE it.





Soooooooooooo...................yeah..................too.much.shopping.

Granted I did not pay full price for anything, and use coupon codes etc, but shopping and I are a slippery slope.

But isn't it all just adorable?

(((yawn)))

I can feel the meds kicking in now. Might be time for me to sign off for the night.

Bipolar Mood Spectrum

I've added this nifty little graph for those of you unfamiliar with bipolar. This is the range of emotions that I may suffer from on any given day. Although they mostly go in cycles and I will be depressed for a month, fine for a month and then manic for a month (just an example).

Disclaimer:

I'm not really a bitch. Well most of the time. I have my moments. One thing I do know is that bipolar IS a fucking bitch and it's one that I will be dealing with for the rest of my life so I figured I may as well document my journey.

Let us just start with the basics. I've known I was bipolar for quite some time now, but did not receive my official diagnosis until December 2007.

I'm on a plethora of medications: xanax, Tegretol (carbamazapine), Effexor, Neurontin, Seroquel, and Ambien. Oh and I am on Simvistatin to counteract the high cholesterol from the Seroquel.

At the current moment I am feeling pretty good, almost too good to the point where I am wondering if I am becoming hypomanic. For those of you that don't know hypomania is kind of like baby mania. It feels fantastic, but is NOT normal and can have some serious repurcussions. Like in my case I usually spend too much money and I can already see myself shopping more and more (who can resist holiday sales?). And I just sold my engagement ring from my failed marriage so I may as well get some good shit out of that deal, right?